You Don’t Have to Hurry

About a year ago, we decided to leave a church we had been a part of for 29 years. It was a monumental decision, one that we spent several years discerning and one that I haven't shared much about in this space.

When we began to consider if it might be time to make a move, I had a question that rattled around in my brain. Do I want to leave because I am hurt? I didn't think that was the reason, but I wanted to be sure.

So, I reached out to a few friends and asked for recommendations on counselors who might be familiar with processing this type of situation. I found a counselor who seemed to be a good fit and spent about 18 months unpacking 25+ years of church history. It was a lot, but it was so helpful to have an outside voice ask me questions and get curious with me about what I was experiencing.

During this time, it became evident that there were some core beliefs that I had picked up over the years serving in the church that needed to be addressed so that I could begin to show up as my whole self in whatever space I was in.

Two central beliefs began to surface.

Belief 1: You are too emotional.
Belief 2: You are a woman, so you are limited in how you can serve in the church.

It became evident that I was living as if these beliefs were true. So I got curious and began to wonder - if these beliefs are lies, what is the truth? The following is what I wrote in my notes: 

Lie: 
You are too emotional.

Truth:
I am in tune with the Holy Spirit and am moved by compassion for those around me. I feel deeply. I have a sense of right and wrong and am passionate about loving well. God made me with a full spectrum of emotions, and part of living an embodied life is being able to explore those emotions with the Holy Spirit.

Lie: 
You are a woman, so you are limited in how you can serve the church.

Truth: 
Jesus invited women into ministry in every way. I am not less able to hear from God because of my gender. I am not less able to lead others because of my gender. God has equipped me for everything he has called me to do. I may never be a preacher, but I am a pastor.

A lot of the work I was doing in therapy coincided with a year of sabbatical I was in. We had chosen not to make any decisions about leaving the church during that year. We knew that I needed time to process all of the changes happening in that season and unpack these beliefs that had become gospel truth in my brain and body.

All along the way, that question lingered in my mind - do I want to leave because I am hurt? Eventually, I could articulate that, yes, some painful things had happened, and God was inviting me into a season of healing, but those painful things weren't the catalyst for making a change. They were just a part of my story, and I was learning to process them and find wholeness.

My husband and I talked a lot about Benedictine vows of stability and the idea of staying with a community of people for a lifetime despite whatever differences might arise. We thought about the things we couldn't get fully behind at church and the things we absolutely loved. We thought about what it would mean to walk away and if that could really be the right choice.

It wasn't an easy decision for us. Those closest to us walked with us as we wrestled this out over several years until we ultimately decided to leave because it was best for our family. 

Did it feel like a loss? Absolutely. There is a familiarity and comfort of being in the same space with similar faces for three decades. Grief is a real part of change.

Was it the right decision? Absolutely. Our family is right where we need to be.

One thing that has been abundantly clear to me through all of this is that just because we aren't worshipping in a particular building anymore doesn't mean we can't remain connected to the people. It takes more intentionality because we don't have the automatic meet-up of bumping into each other on Sunday morning in the lobby, but it is easy enough to meet up for a meal or a coffee, send a text, or make a phone call. There is no shortage of ways to stay connected.

If you are in the middle of making an important decision, know that you don't have to be in a hurry - sometimes it takes years - and that is ok. Ask for help when you need it. Trust God to journey with you and give yourself time to honestly wrestle with whatever the Holy Spirit brings to mind for you to pay attention to. Eventually, you will know how to move forward. 


Cheering you on - Melissa