The Answer is Not Always Yes

Recently, a friend was sharing with me about some of her commitments and how she felt it might be time to make a change in a certain area, but she was worried that in doing so she would be letting down the people in that group.  

I think this is a question that comes up a lot - If I don’t keep helping in the way I am helping will people be disappointed in me?  

As we’ve been talking about the practice of service this month, this seems like a good time to talk about how to decide when to say yes and when to say no regarding various commitments.  

Part of living in community and following Jesus is using the various gifts God has given us to bear his image and point people to him regularly.  What can happen sometimes though, is assumptions are made.  It can be assumed that because we have a certain gift or skill set we will for sure say yes to every opportunity that comes up using those strengths.  

This assumption isn’t healthy or realistic.  

Just because someone is qualified to do a job does not automatically mean it is their job to do.  This can be hard to sort out for all involved parties.  The reality is that we only have 24 hours in our day.  And truth be told those hours fill up pretty quickly.  

Whether you are single or married, have kids or don’t, at some point you have to assess where and how those 24 hours will be spent.  As followers of Jesus, I think the best way to assess this is to invite the Holy Spirit into the conversation.  Choosing how we fill our days requires discernment and an understanding that in different seasons we may answer yes or no to an opportunity differently.  

I will never forget sitting in the office of a previous pastor letting him know my husband and I were expecting our first baby, and explaining that over the next 6 months we wanted to transition out of the roles we were volunteering in to be able to focus on starting our family.  We thought he would be excited for us and celebrate this new season in our story, but instead, he got upset with us and let us know we were letting him down.   

His response toward us was disappointing and hurtful.  It was as if he was saying to us you aren’t qualified to hear from God about what is best for you, and by transitioning out of these roles you aren’t being faithful in your service to the church.  

The thing is he was wrong.  

We were qualified to hear from God.  We were capable of listening and knowing when to say yes and when to say no.  We were able to discern what would be best for our family in that season.  And our love for the church was never in question.  

That conversation happened 19 years ago, but it was the catalyst for learning how to say yes and no in every season and in every decision.  

So how do you know when to say yes or when to say no to an opportunity?  And once you decide, how do you relax and not worry about if others will be disappointed in your decision? 

Knowing when to say yes or no requires us to be familiar with what our priorities are in each season of life.  What is meant to fill your 24 hours for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? 

When we are making decisions we need to be sure not to compare our story to someone else’s story.  We rarely know all of the details.  Just because someone else who is our age or in a similar stage of life says yes to an opportunity doesn’t mean that we have to say yes.  

Even though you may be super qualified for the opportunity, it is still ok to say no, if that opportunity doesn’t align with whatever God is doing in this particular season of your life.  

Guilt should not be the driving factor for us saying yes.  When we agree to do something out of guilt it is not sustainable.  Any task that we say yes to will have hard days, no matter how great our skill level.  If we’ve chosen to serve out of guilt then on those really hard days we might feel especially discouraged and find ourselves walking away. 

I think we can be at peace and remember that God created a world full of people and the weight of all the yeses doesn’t sit on our shoulders alone.  There are times when we will easily say yes and know that what we are committing to is exactly the right fit for who we are and how we are made to lead in the world.  There are other times our yes will come more slowly, as we pause and think about the long-term impact of that yes.  Equally, there will be times when no is the best answer, and if our best answer is no then that means there is someone else who is going to be suited to say yes.  

Unfortunately, we can’t actually manage other people’s disappointments.  But we can learn from them.  My experience with my previous pastor helped me decide how I wanted to react when someone said no to an opportunity, or when life changed and someone who had previously said yes found themselves needing to say no now.  

I want to be gracious.  I want to trust that if it is time for them to say no then God is preparing new people to say yes.  I want to celebrate the things like marriage, babies, moves, graduations, as well as grieve the losses of loved ones, jobs, dreams, etc., that cause people’s lives to change, and not make them feel guilty for embracing a new season in their story.  

And while this is how I want to respond, I don't always get it right.  Sometimes I still get disappointed and sometimes I still don't understand.  So I keep practicing, hoping that each time I'll be a little more gracious and a little more understanding.  

We all have a part to play in bringing God’s kingdom to earth as it is in heaven.  Sometimes that part might be played out within the four walls of our home, and other times it might look like serving the homeless community, taking a meal to a friend, volunteering at church, or picking up groceries for a homebound neighbor.  There are a million ways to be light in the darkness and no two people will do it the same way.  

~  Melissa