Looking Inward

Recently, I experienced a situation that stirred some jealousy within me. It was rather unexpected, and I didn’t like how it made me feel. I had been running some errands, and I noticed an email update before I ran into the last store. I read it, and as I did, I could feel a twinge of jealousy arise.

The circumstances of the email were unimportant, but the feeling the email stirred in me was worth getting curious about.

I still had to run into the store, and I was surprised to find tears running down my cheeks. As I walked through the store gathering my groceries, I spent some time talking with Jesus about what was happening inside of me. Why did I respond to this news in this way? Why was jealousy the feeling rising in me? How could I acknowledge this feeling, and also not let it drive the bus?

As I walked through the store, I took the time to notice what was happening in my body. This is a pretty big deal for me. For so many years, noticing what was happening in my body was frowned upon and, often, loudly discouraged. And yet, my body is very good at giving me clues about how it is doing and feeling. When I listen, I can move through unwanted feelings much more quickly than when I ignore the clues and pretend everything is fine.

I left the store feeling a lot better, but knowing I’d need to spend some more time processing in the days to come.

Last week, I met with my spiritual director and shared this experience with her. We talked about the significance of my being able to notice and name what I felt, but then she asked me: What do you think God wants to show you through this experience?

I realized that I had stopped short in my processing.

I was excited to have noticed what was happening internally and to be able to name the unwanted feeling. But I hadn’t asked God the deeper questions. What are the tears about? What are you trying to unearth in me? What implicit view am I holding that caused me to feel this way?

In my work as a spiritual director, I keep being reminded that the internal work is where transformation happens. Each time the Holy Spirit highlights something for me to pay attention to is an opportunity for me to get curious and see how God might be inviting me towards new growth.

It makes me think of the Fruit of the Spirit that Paul writes about in Galatians, and how as a follower of Jesus each of the items in that list should be actively growing in me.

Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

We can’t just pick one or two items from the list that seem nice and easy to work on. They are a package deal, and the hope is that each will increase simultaneously throughout our lives.

I wonder if you listen when feelings rise in you. Do you pause to notice what is happening internally and invite the Holy Spirit to help you move toward transformation, or do you ignore the feelings and move on?

What might the Holy Spirit be trying to get your attention about this week? 

~  Melissa